friskin

GRR!

I think about the loveless fascination.

Yes, I got all of two (2) sections done of my outline. I only have a kazillion more to go.. I don't know what makes me decide that the stuff I have planned (the real stuff, I mean) isn't important enough for me to do what I need to do. Like, my whole evening tomorrow is ruined because I couldn't get a move on this thing. And I had all that time to write my essay, too, and yet, I've somehow decided that it's okay to turn it in later and get a worse grade and not have any fun this weekend either.

And I missed my group today. Grrrrr..

It was alright, though, I guess... I planted trees and helped save the environment and got free ice cream. I missed it, though, and that has gotten me quite flustered. I am so sorry!

New obsessions. Ugh, I need to get a grip.

See Becky. See Becky procrastinate. Procrastinate, Becky, procrastinate.

"Was the hand to fit my glove."
"Those pants should be illegal."
"What are you doing?" "Going home."
"She wouldn't hurt a thing, but I'll make sure she doesn't chase them."
"Take your keys."
"H as in HAPPY!"
"Do you know anything about makeup?"
"Does it sound like... usurp?"
"You look tired."
"Where are you going to find water in Africa?"
"You can wear a fake beard!!"
"We've been having those talks since I was four."
"Genuine."
"I dropped my sandwich."

"People who have unconscious minds driven by imagination tend to be energetic types who possess a passion for life. As a result, they may also be happy for almost any excuse to celebrate."

I love parties! I wish I had one right now!

Yes, darling, I've seen you here before. I'm so glad you had a moment to spare so we might clarify what exactly is going on. Don't worry, I'm not upset with you for not noticing or caring.. Clearly you were seeking someone else this evening.

I think I make these things too cryptic, don't you? I could be talking to a cloud for all you know.

I wish I had kaliedoscope eyes...

I wonder what it would be like to cast spells on people. Like, for real. Poof! I turn you into a hedgehog!

Or something.

Lately, because of the nice weather, I've been opening my bedroom windows a lot and hanging out in my room and listening to music. I always pick stuff that I think the whole neighborhood would appreciate when I do this, so as not to irritate anyone. Well, today I noticed that a neighbor a few houses down was playing rival music! It just struck me as funny... It was like... show tunes or some cheesy love songs.

Everyone watches everyone.

Yay! School tomorrow!

Wow, I am a huge dork.

I just watched Labyrinth and then I did my hair and tried on my dress (again). It looks really pretty... My curls are hurly burly.

He he.

New section on the site incase you missed it.

It looks terrible, but at least it's up.

I might fix it later. Maybe.

It's beautiful outside today. I think I'll take another walk.

(Redhead.)

And it's something quite peculiar...

Quite a journey it has been, don't you agree? When I think about who I was then and who I am now...Wow. I don't know. I can't put my finger on it. Sometimes I feel like I'll never know anything. Sometimes I feel like you'll never know me.

And that would be alright. There's something ever greater than knowing.

Walking in the rain can be an enjoyable experience for many reasons.

I thought: When I am old and live somewhere, I will throw big parties and everyone will be invited. That way, everyone can meet each other. It seems like such a strange thing to have neighbors who don't know who you are..

My dad got me a membership at the YMCA. I wonder if I'll ever use it....

What a difference a day makes. Twenty-four little hours.

(It's coming.)(What is?)(Everything.)

Mystic Pizza.

I have an AWESOME new toothbrush! I'm gonna go use it now!

Okay, so, I think I'm beginning to figure out the master plan. Now all I need is patience.

I feel like I should repent or something.

Why are you so frightened?

Two weeks.

I can't wait till this break is over. I feel so.... idle. I should write my book report or something. Study for the exam maybe. I'm lonely. That's probably it. I thought we were going to do something this week..

skye yes 681 (12:28:27 AM): it's not possible to weigh a negative amount
skye yes 681 (12:28:31 AM): just ask mrs keller
skye yes 681 (12:28:35 AM): she'll tell you
ShadowoftheDusk (12:29:00 AM): well...i claim that everything around me is traveling faster than the speed of light
ShadowoftheDusk (12:29:07 AM): and by einstein, that would mean my mass is negative
ShadowoftheDusk (12:29:41 AM): you know, when i was little, i thought the Einstein was named after the element Einsteinium (instead of the other way around)...i figured his parents wanted him to be a scientist
skye yes 681 (12:29:46 AM): well, it's not moving at the speed of light
skye yes 681 (12:29:59 AM): and einstein hates you.
skye yes 681 (12:30:05 AM): he told me.
ShadowoftheDusk (12:30:12 AM): you are moving faster than the speed of light along with everything else, so the universe is not moving relative to you
skye yes 681 (12:30:14 AM): he said you're too small for him to like.
ShadowoftheDusk (12:30:20 AM): ::::::::(

Renfield: No, Martin, please. Please, don't, Martin. No, Martin, please. Please, Martin. No, Martin. Oh, Martin, please. No, No, Martin, please. No, Martin. Martin, don't.
Martin: Here, give it to me.
Renfield: Don't throw my spider away from me. Oh, Martin, oh!
Martin: Ain't you ashamed, now, ain't ya? Spiders now, ain't it? Flies ain't good enough?
Renfield: Flies? Flies? Poor puny things. Who wants to eat flies?
Martin: You do, you loony!
Renfield: Not when I can get nice fat spiders.
Martin: Alright, have it your own way.

Dracula is in the house!

I like to be told
when you're going away
when you're going to come back
and how long you will stay
how long you will stay
I like to be told
I like to be told
if it's going to hurt
if it's going to be hard
if it's not going to hurt
I like to be told
I like to be told
it helps me to get ready for all those things
all those things that are new
I trust you more and more
each time that I'm
finding those things to be true
I like to be told
cause I'm trying to grow
and I'm trying to learn
and I'm trying to know
I like to be told
I like to be told

Mr. Rogers

This jealous lovin's gonna make me crazy.

I smell bad...I will go bathe.

I'm back for good, now. Feel free to rejoice or something.

....felt like a regular little Alice.

I have new pictures, which I may or may not scan later.

Yet another Stupid Moment: I finally worked up the guts to call the SCA office and ask when the heck I'm going to find out if I'm accepted or not. The first woman, Sue, connected me to someone else, who wasn't there or was busy, and her voicemail said to dial *0 to find out about the status of my application, so I did, and it connected me back to Sue who then put me though to another woman who said she was the wrong person and put me back to the voicemail woman. So, I finally left a message. BUT! I forgot to say my area code with my phone number so she'll never ever call me back.

Sigh. I haven't heard anything either way, but I'm beginning to grow skeptical.

Blah.

Anyway, movie night on Tuesday was way cool. Ham bread and Spaceballs.

Our worldly traveler is back to sleep in her own bed for a night.

She has fallen in love. Truly, madly, deeply, and as always nothing else can possibly compare.

My calling.

But tomorrow she shall continue on her journey, attempting to find some place that feels as absolutely right.

I keep trying to take everything I've seen and put it in a box and forget about it for now. I keep trying, but I keep failing. Everything is running through my mind.

I buried my heart at Swarthmore College.

There are a billion reasons for this, none of which I have the energy to write about. There are so many interesting people in this world. I am so ready to be done with highschool.

Wow... I always forget that the world exists this early.

At least I'll get to see the sun rise. I can't wait!

My mom says that she wants me to drive some of the way. I guess it depends on whether or not we're making good time, cause I go way slow on the highway. I actually haven't driven on the highway in months, but I remember it being hard to switch lanes. I always moved my arms when I turned to look over my shoulder.

Speaking of going really slow, my mom is. It's too early for breakfast so I'm gonna go.... drink some juice or something.

Yay! College!

Good day, sunshine.

This time tomorrow I'll be far away from here. Mwa ha ha!

Dream: At YAG, Emily D. comes in, and everyone rejoices. She has two broken arms that are in big blue or green casts. Tom C. is there, as well as most others. We sing Spitited Jubilee (which happens to be something from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat..) and I cry because I won't be in the show this time. I am the only one who knows the song.

I am in a bar. A man approaches me and takes me into a small back room and locks the door. He's scary. He says some lewd comment so I start kicking him. I kick him and kick him until he is unable to do anything at all, and then I run away. He follows me. It is an intense chase, but at some point I realize that I am dreaming (lucidity!!) and slow down. I begin exploring the world in my mind. I decide that I want to go very fast so I wont have to worry about the guy chasing me so I go onto the highway and run. Running is easy and peaceful. I come to a traffic light so I turn off of the high way and onto a side street. For fun I read all the signs (none of which make any sense whatsoever) I am approached by a group of tough looking girls so I turn one of them into Theresa, and give her a hug and tell her that I'm dreaming. I am tempted to ask them a question, but from the expression on their faces they're even more confused than I am. I go into a building where I find another group of girls. It turns out that the guy I kicked was Jess Trong's boyfriend and she is totally pissed. Julia tells me that I should run and hide from her, so I do. I start running through the twisty passages of this building. Julia runs with me upstairs and just when I think I'm safe, Jess appears (wearing my prom dress, by the way!) and tells Julia to leave. She does. I try to maintain control over everything. When Jess starts chasing me again, I jump over the banister and safely sail to the landing below us. She is fast, though, and I do it again and again. I start running, but this time my vision is going blury and dark, and I know I am waking up before I can take a stand for myself...

I just realized that I consistently set everything up for maximum disappointment.. It's like... I set up a kazillion dominoes on top of a megahigh mountain just so a gust can come and knock them down into oblivion while my back is turned.

Did you notice that I didn't say it? No, I suppose not. Too bad.

Too....much.... communication....with....parents...

I can't wait till I can get out of Troy. I'm really looking forward to seeing new places and people, et cetera. I just hope I can stand all that time in the car alone with my mom. I can tell she's going to try to talk to me about finances or abstinence or something.

Am I too self centered?

(Yes, I believe you are.)

I'm going to have to fix that, then. I guess it wouldn't be so much of a problem if I wasn't so isolated and disillusioned by this culture. Usually I'm selfless, but these days I find I'm focusing inward more and more. It doesn't seem like a good thing.

Then again, maybe this is what normal is.

I'm so paranoid. Seriously, I wouldn't be surprised if twenty years from now they discover that I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

I guess it's just cabin fever.

Challah back, yo!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha get it????? I thought it was funny..

See what happens when you leave me in this house for too long, thinking about nothing but myself, and my future, et cetera?

Gosh darnit, even my fantasies are getting dull. Plus, when I sleep I only have nightmares so the only place for my brain to go is here, and here there is only me and a computer screen. Did you ever get so upset you start gnawing on your own fingers? I did that.. What a weirdo.

If I hear the words "no" or "not now" one more time I am going to spit on someone.

Me: I'm going to get dreadlocks at the end of the summer.
Mom: No, people won't like you.
Dad: Why on earth would you want to do that?
Mr. Mazer: Why wait??

Doesn't it seem cruelly unjust that the parents to whom one is born won't let her do anything she wants, while any other rational adult would?

Ugh. Soooooo bored. I'm going to bed. Wish me luck.

New pictorials from the Ropes Course are up on the site incase you missed that. I finally got them working properly after messing around for a good long time. It turned out to be just a stupid little error on my part.

I want to revamp the whole thing one of these days. Maybe I will towards the end of the week if I'm not away.......

*Hope hope hope.*

Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail...

Heh, I was just looking at my empty inbox folder and the ad at the top of the page said "Families in Iraq are in crisis. [Picture of sad Arab mother and child]" I clicked on the link to go to my empty "old stuff" folder and the ad at the top of that page said "click here for a chance to win 50 POUNDS OF LOBSTER. [Picture of lots of lobsters.]" Is it just me, or is there something seriously wrong with this world?

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE TECHNOLOGY!

Hotmail decided it would be funny to delete ALL of my old emails. God damnit...

Becky = mad.

I wouldn't mind so much if I had saved all the info in those things (phone numbers, websites, etc.). But NO! Silly Becky had to go and trust that Microsoft wouldn't go and dump all of my correspondences for the past two years into cyberspace. This is so lame...

Dream: At a ropes course (it is indoors this time) one of the challenges is to walk across a beam , using a beam that is above your head for support while someone elsewalks above you. Cassie Sullivan spots me because I am on the lower beam and too close to the ground for a harness. As I walk, though, she pushes me along. By the time I cross the beam my hands are covered with splinters, and it is painful.

Mrs. Mack is telling me how she lost her hearing. She said she called a man to work on "raising her voice." He told her talk louder and louder, while making a very very high frequency pitch which she didn't notice and which essentially caused her to go deaf.

I am walking down the street when I am approached by one of the mentally challenged boys from my school. He attempts to show me a news paper ad for the food drive they're conducting, but doesn't ask me for money or help. He says they're giving out food (which turned out to be pizzas), which is more important than clothing. I tell him that both are important, but now that it's getting warmer he's probably right. He walks with me down the street. We enter a pet shop and look at the animals. There is no sales clerk there, but by and by one does come in. He counts the animals to be sure that we didn't take anything and then gives everyone there a puppy (those black and white fluffy ones with perky ears and transparent blue eyes).

I go "home" and read Andrew's journal. In it, he says that he plans to go to Florida, and implies that it's to see someone that he doesn't want people to know about. I go upstairs and see her room. I turn and go in the bathroom where he has just gotten out of the bath and is getting dressed, his back turned to me. (This part was so realistic, although I realize now that he had long hair in the dream....) I say, "When are you going to Florida?" He is startled and stands perfectly still. He turns slowly, and I notice that there is something wrong with his left eye. He turns his back to me and pauses.. Then turns fully to face me and I see that his eyes are gone. There are just two big, black sockets in that beautiful face of his. "I had an accient..." he says. I am filled with absolute horror. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I scream. "I CAN'T LOOK! YOU LIE! YOU LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING!" Suddenly his face is before me, and his eyes are restored for a moment, and I look into them (so realistic) and he says, "You're right, I do."

"...and there's the park with the traces of past lovers
and the flavour of kisses- the honey, the cranberry I still savour;"

My dad is such a great person. Don't believe me when I say otherwise. I owe him everything that I am and everything that I will be.

"You are a light spot in my life.. I can't wait to see what the future holds for you."

Bon voyage, mes amis.

I want to compose. A volume of poetry by age 17? Maybe, if I ever get my act together and start writing. I know all of three people would read it, at least.

Out of nowhere, I was struck by that summer feeling... You know the one, when the air is burning and stagnant outside and you come in and go upstairs and open both windows and lie perfectly still ontop of the blankets and feel the breeze pass over your bodies, and know that you'd be better off being more productive.

The air, of course, was not burning, nor was it stagnant, and nor did I open my windows. It just wouldn't be the same.

I'll miss you while we're apart, but at least we know where we'll be.

I wondered if maybe this should be something more... special. It seems like all we ever do these days is settle for what's easiest. But then I though, we have our whole lives to do everything else.

It's like the sort of thing one reads about in National Geographic and thinks, "Gosh, how interesting that must be!" Now here it is in front of me. They say it can be mine for some amount of money, plus travel expenses. I'll try for the grant for next summer, and if not, I'll save my earnings when I get a job like my mom is forcing me to. It shouldn't be too much of a problem, though, considering most of the extra curricular activities with which I am involved are being erased from the budget.

It is hard to imagine the future with me in it.

Yeah, well, fuck you harder.

"Aren't politics fun?... Lets play some music."
"And that tree started talking, as they sometimes do."
"You're so unpatriotic! Go to Canada!!"
"It's like... we're following th queen. Queen Latifa."
"We should steal their vibraphones."
"What's your favorite thing to eat?" "C.J. Balls."
"No, but my other daughter is a pharmacist and my son is a pharmacist and my husband is..." "A pharmacist?"
"I have trouble making decisions."
"It's hard not to be a jerk."
"Was he disqualified?"
"How long have you known me?"
"...and now they're bosom buddies."
"Why is she so angry all the time?" "Good question."
"I'll call him tonight."
"Feel the union of the internal and the external."

"Bite me."

She is so in love.

This past weekend was awesome, but all I really have to show for it are a giant bruise on my inner thigh and a conspicuous little red mark on my neck.

I'm beginning to like this feeling of surrender. Seriously, why fight fate? It's like we're working together now, rather than against one another. And yet, last night when I tried to sleep I became sick with the thought of being so far away...

You're probably right.

But I want it. I can't tell if my aspirations are too high, but somehow that's not stopping me from having them. The end will come soon enough either way.

C'mon and gimme a kiss. Twenty five days.

Kiss this, Nerd. I hope I hope.

Dream: Mazer's teeth are falling out as he talks to me. I find it extremely disturbing, but he only laughs at my disgust.

Keren: Becky!! You match today!
Becky: I know! I was hoping no one would notice...

Doctor Q reminds me of someone I knew . I guess It will get worse before It gets better.

And now I'm terribly confused about what I'm going to do with myself.

But I know that tomorrow will be beautiful. Did you know that you're my standard for everything and everyone I'll ever do and meet? I forget about this fact sometimes, but it's true. I hope you're happy.

Me: How long does it take to mail a letter?
He: Only a few seconds... Just drop it in the box!

You know perfectly well what I meant. This evening was perfect bike riding weather. Something about the air or the light brought it all rushing back. I used to ride in circles (still do, I suppose) and there was no where to go really, especially because I was afraid to cross the street. And yet, I always found places blooming and ready for exploration.

Who I was then and who I am now... I'm methodically destroying each one of those habits.

I wrote the wrong date on ALL my applications I filled out yesterday. Oh well. Maybe it will look like I'm more on top of things than I am. Maybe it will just look like I'm dumb.

If I asked you now, you'd say it was nothing, and I'd know your lie.

In the stark white room I sat on the stark white paper and talked to a stranger about my life. It crackled as I shifted nervously...

He asked about my future. He offered the services of his son, a freshman in college, should I decide to visit the school he attends. Thank you very much.

My mom knows all the wrong things to say.

The room smelled like body odor.

He infected my arm with tetanus bacteria which my immune system supposidly will destroy within a short amount of time, without it getting to the rest of me. All I know is that I'm keeping my right shoulder away from my jaw..

It aches. Last night I woke up and my hand was asleep becase I had been lying ontop of it. I moved it a little to try to get rid of the pins and needles poking me. I reached over and touched it with my other hand. I couldn't feel anything... It wasn't my own hand in bed with me.

I hope I hope I hope. (Hope for me.)

The show's over. Now is time to forget.

Ugh.... Stupid thing #6002485374: I went through all this trouble to get my recommendation from Bruce after the peer leadership meeting (actually not a lot of trouble, but I had to go all the way down to the guidance department.) Then, I went outside and my dad wasn't there so I went back in to use the phone (turns out he was too busy playing a computer game to remember about me!) and then went back out... Well, much to my despair, I realized as we were half way home that I left my reccomendation, in a nice little envelope with my name on it, on some random secretary's desky for her to find first thing tomorrow morning.

Sigh. Okay, I'll just.... throw away what's left of my pride and go in there and admit my mistake, right? Nothing to be embarassed about, right? Then why am I filled with so much dread? I'm tempted to just forget about the whole thing, but I definitely won't. I want this. Damn it.. That secretary should be thrilled and honored that I left something so special in her workspace!!!!!!!!

Maybe I'll get there reeeeally early before she does. I'm supposed to be at school at 7:30 anyway, and walking is good for me... So, I guess (if there even is school) I'll walk. Damn the snow to hell.

I wish I didn't make such a big freakin' deal about this stuff.

I just called Bruce and he said I can tell the lady that he left it there for me. I don't think I will, though. He won't always be there to save me so I'd better get used to it.

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME??? PEOPLE ARE DYING AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT LOOKING LIKE A DORK!! Ugh... I refuse to feel bad about this any more.

Ha! I win!

Soleil all over me.

Everything is covered with ice, which dripped for a few hours this afternoon but no doubt has hardened again by now. With it came a love so deep and Super Mario World by candlelight (instant romance) and a sky so bright and pink you'd never guess it was midnight on planet This.

Today was happily wasted, with movies and basking in the leftover glow: a feeling of success and hope. Maybe this life isn't real, but it's the only one I've got.

Tragically, one after another, branches tumbled under the heavy, unexpected burden. All my parents cared about was that they didn't land on their silly fence.

Doctor's appointment on Wednesday. The play has been postponed to an undisclosed date. This week shall be dedicated to Garfield and spending lots of quality time with him. My chances for doing well in math this quarter are gone, and the only thing left to do is sit and wait for the bad news to arrive in the mail. Maybe it will come the same day as a lovely postcard, and everything wont seem quite so bad.

Spring forward. It is so past my bedtime.

I feel the chi flowing through my body. Sweet dreams, friends.

Dream: There is a new kindergarten teacher visiting Troy High. She had graduated years before, and is returning to see what it is like now. We are sitting at computers in the library and she asks me what my teachers are like. I tell her that Mr. Hayes is absolutely wonderful and she giggles as I see that he is sitting on the other sider of her.

There are floating platforms which act somewhat like elevators. I am on one, rising up to reach my next class (I think Mrs. Dow's). As a person steps off, the platform immediately falls from under him or her (similar to the floating platforms in Mario which fall when you step on them). I go to step into the classroom, but I lose my balance. I grab on to the ledge and hang there for a while, but cannot keep my grip, and end up falling down down down until I am caught by another floating platform. I am unscathed.

But it's all I want to be loved and believe in my soul..

Many times we have been here... Always not quite understanding what it is. There are no words to explain, other than those which have nothing to do with anything. Everywhere we shall find eachother is everywhere we are.

One, two, three times. Now is when we cut through all that stands between us. At first he thought it was he who brought me there. Now he doesn't know what to think.

"This girl can't be real." She stares with such intensity and admiration at his moving lips or fumbling hands. She is a child, and cannot possibly understand her own power. She thinks she's seeking God. She thinks the True Believers will bring her hope. She thinks watching the clock will make it speed up. She's sure that if she flutters her eyelashes just right the world will look different.

I walk behind so I can memorize the curve of your back and the swing of your arms and the way your hair grows so that when I am frightened, I can pretend that I am following you, and you will protect me.

You watch her staring down at the work (or lack there of) on her desk. She smiles, but you are unsure of what has brought such glow to her face. She doesn't look up, but rather keeps here eyes of her prescious little secret.

If all goes well (which I shouldn't get my hopes up for) I shall be spending three weeks of my summer in the wilderness building stuff and looking at trees. If all goes well. I sent in the bulk of the application and now all I need is: a physician to fill out the medical form saying I'm not diseased and to give me a tetanus shot cause I haven't had one in a billion years, and a nice litte recommendation from a nice little adult who is not related to me. After that, they'll tell me where I'm "stationed" and then I'll go out and buy some boots and a sleeping bag. Everyone should pray that I get to do this... aside from travel and supplies, it doesn't cost a thing, and more importantly IT'S NOT IN TROY!!! Incase anyone reads this and/or is wondering what the crack I'm going on about, it's this.

Grumpy. Play rehersal until nearly 11 tonight. Why? Because it's stooooopid. Grumpy also because according to the SCA website, most slots are filled up by March 15th, so my chances of escape are weakening by the moment.

I wanna do it so bad.

Speaking of which, I get to see Andrew for about 2 hours on Friday before he leaves for North Carolina!

Annoyance: Asking someone nicely to stop doing something and being completely ignored.

My NYSSMA song is turning out to be quite a bit harder than I had thought. I don't know if I have the indurance to pull it off. I guess the best way to fix that is to practice, but how can I practice when I have a billion other things going on and the only thing I can think about is getting away from here?

Dear,
I am so sorry. I hope one day you'll understand that I was doing what was done onto me. I know that's a totally lame excuse, but it's the only one I have. I'm sorry...If there's anything I'll ever regret it is not learning and taking the higher road. I hear you're funny and really cool now. You and I are a lot alike, you know. We both got dropped.
Love,
Becky