Thursday, March 20, 2003
While I slept last night and battled my deepest, darkest fears, so did my country on the other side of the world.
As the day wore on it all built up.
And then I let it go. I feel cleansed, in a way, and more free. I still want him, but I no longer need him. I am free to be really angry rather than just scared and paralyzed and pathetic.
Ugh..I don't know why I'm trying so hard for this. Should I just give up? The thought of it is unbearable, but I don't know how much longer this can go on. I wonder I wonder I wonder.
Dream: Putting on another concert, this time in a real concert hall. Things seem to be going well. In between my songs, there are other bands playing. At one point I go to play my guitar and sing, but my guitar turns out to be my sax. I run frantically back stage seeking my guitar, but I can't find it. I find Miss Thomas's, but it's all out of tune. Also, I am talking to Caroline, Yenee, Ellen, etc. and someone says "Well, in our group..." and I retort, "Well, I'm not in your group! I'm not your friend!" I toss my hair and stomp away, and then wonder why I did that..
As the day wore on it all built up.
And then I let it go. I feel cleansed, in a way, and more free. I still want him, but I no longer need him. I am free to be really angry rather than just scared and paralyzed and pathetic.
Ugh..I don't know why I'm trying so hard for this. Should I just give up? The thought of it is unbearable, but I don't know how much longer this can go on. I wonder I wonder I wonder.
Dream: Putting on another concert, this time in a real concert hall. Things seem to be going well. In between my songs, there are other bands playing. At one point I go to play my guitar and sing, but my guitar turns out to be my sax. I run frantically back stage seeking my guitar, but I can't find it. I find Miss Thomas's, but it's all out of tune. Also, I am talking to Caroline, Yenee, Ellen, etc. and someone says "Well, in our group..." and I retort, "Well, I'm not in your group! I'm not your friend!" I toss my hair and stomp away, and then wonder why I did that..
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