friskin

"Things are changing very rapidly!"

Rock.

There is so much I want, but most of all it's just to know you.

When everything happens for a reason.

The fire.

The loss.

The excuse.

The glance.

(Predilection.)

The call.

The walk.

The rain.

The prize.

(And lack there of.)

Who I saw standing in the sun.

Waiting for a letter, waiting for a bell.

Counting down the minutes. (Yeah, I did it all.)

It comes so naturally.

I skipped the punch and cookies.

Today is the last time I will blow everything off for nothing.

It seems I'm always picking up her scattered pieces... The futility of it all. I don't know what purpose I serve here anymore.

(When all my friends forget me.)

Caught cheating. Playing innocent.

(I bring it all on myself.)

Lust was in the air. Stories of unsleep-overs and showers, and the now silent neck marks. Each having her own scandalous tale, I bit my tongue. I don't want to see you drunk.

(I guess nothing is back to normal.)

Forgive me.

Tonight I will be thinking of someone new. A neighbor or the man on the telephone. A childhood playmate.

(Positions and propositions.)
(Appointments and disappointments.)

And everything exists in my head.

Yay! I'm done!

And my stapler works!!

*Falls off chair.*

Une Histoite BrËve de líOpÈra ‡ Paris.

I knew a boy who'd lost all faith
and asked, "What do you believe?"
He answered shortly, "Not a thing."
"Do you believe in me?"
He blinked and thought and blinked again,

"In what I know I see."
"And when you die you'll disappear?"
"I'll sink into the earth."
"Then what is left to live life for?"
"Just life for what it's worth."

Many years he's traveled 'round
Inside this darkened room,
Knowing only circles, and
Eating dust and gloom.

My feet hurt.

[Blisters and splinters.]

{I think the act of writing will be much more beneficial tonight. The sound of pen touching paper and hand touching pen. The tensing arm muscles. Cross-outs. Varying pressures.}

(I will tell your story.)

So, yeah... huge French research paper (counting for half of our final exam) that I totally DIDN'T DO. Mrs. Greenberg said she'll only take five points off if I give it to her on Tuesday, but I feel very silly for forgetting all about it until I walked into her class thirty minutes late and she asked me where it was. I'll just... make it look really really really pretty. Thank goodness for four day weekends.

Also, new pictorials are up on the site.

[1993]
Dear Mom and Dad,
I hope you like my work.
I think you will like my poem on the wall plese tell me what you think whan you get home

Dear Becky,
I love your poem! I was deeply touched by your beautiful idea. Please bring it home for mom to read and see your picture. When you are ready maybe you will let me put it on my office wall so I can read it every day. Your poem and picture make me happy.
I love you
Dad.

Don't fear the reaper.

The sweetness of your laughter.

(And how he laughed! I didn't even need to say a word.)

"Any special plans for the weekend?" "Putting in the garden."

(And nothing else mattered.)

I was jealous. There was no need for her to speak quite so loudly when she knew it would get her nothing but attention. I kept my mouth shut.

("There is a sort of men whose visages do cream and mantle like a standing pond.")

ShadowoftheDusk (9:54:26 PM): that was creepy...you were disappearing today
skye yes 681 (10:04:17 PM): where was i going?
ShadowoftheDusk (10:04:33 PM): i don't know
ShadowoftheDusk (10:04:36 PM): but you were disappearing
ShadowoftheDusk (10:04:41 PM): like a witch
skye yes 681 (10:04:43 PM): :(
ShadowoftheDusk (10:04:48 PM): but you reappeared
ShadowoftheDusk (10:04:53 PM): and then disappered again
skye yes 681 (10:04:59 PM): :( :(
skye yes 681 (10:05:02 PM): why??
ShadowoftheDusk (10:05:09 PM): annoucements
ShadowoftheDusk (10:05:29 PM): bah
ShadowoftheDusk (10:05:33 PM): you make it sound like a bad thing
ShadowoftheDusk (10:05:37 PM): what i would give for that power

What I kept trying to explain. (Guilt.) (What I do, I don't deserve.) (When I don't, nothing stops.)

All I really really want.. (Guilt.) (Not to let you down.) (I wasn't ready from the moment I awoke.)

So I imagine I'm somewhere else. (Guilt.) (Help me get back.) (I've changed.)

I can't stand that noise.

Can't see past my own nose.

Je t'aime, Cyrano.

This will be me.

(Maybe.)

Why do I find it hard to write the next line?

When it all makes sense...

I'm so scared.

Am I supposed to survive? Dad says I will be a completely different person by the end. I don't know if I want to be completely different. I sort of like being lazy and in love. Of course, this is probably the opportunity of a lifetime. The letter they sent said July 26 through August 30. Five weeks of rugged outdoors life and lots of hard labor. I think it's silly that everyone has to wear blue work shirts. I guess it's no different from any other uniform one might be forced to wear on the job (yeah, $6.90 an hour, they say). I bet I'll look really doofy in the whole blue work shirt/helmet/jeans/boots outfit.

I don't think anyone should trust me with power tools.

You forgot all the good things.

(Since when are there two M's, anyhow?)

I got another 72 on a math quiz..
Me: Can I have this point? Pleeeease???
Mrs. Keller: Would that make you happy?
Me: Yes!

She gave me the point.

"Do you feel my pain?"

All around me are familiar faces.

"She Roohans everything!"

Oh my..

What if it's SARS? Oh dear.

COugh.

Why?

For the world. Because I am digusted by this corruption. Because of all the masks you wear. For posterity. Because this is the stuff that destroys humanity. Because I care so much. And for my pride. Because I'm ready to forget about you all. Because I am selfish. Because you can't possibly understand. Because of all the time I wasted on you. Because I know I should give up. Because the telephone wasn't for me. Because I can't breathe. And just for the hell of it.

I am in touch with my inner child. She's screaming.

Yeah, Labyrinth Nintendo game!

And Mac file sharing program Acquisiton.

He let her ride his hog all the way to Bennington.

I'm sorry I didn't say, "Hello."

(Come by tomorrow morning.)

Laugh laugh laugh. It feels so good.

Where's the line?

There was a boy.

Com'ere, buddy.

(Don't you see what you're getting yourself into?)

House on the hill imitating house on the hill intimidating. With matching shrubs.

(Only a true friend..)

Red car in red garage.

("So, what are you doing?" "Walking the dog." "This is what I'm doing.")

In this book.

(Traveling around the world, keeping me in good humor.)

Sometimes you won't know until you ask.

At the present, the zoo collection consists of...

1 male and one female African lions Sarge & Luna
1 male Bengal tiger B.J.
1 female Siberian tigress Chloe
1 male mountain lion Maheo
4 bobcats, Poppa, Sylvervester, Jerry and Becky
1male and 1 female African servals Okie & Jasmine
1 female Coatimundi Mariah
1 male & 1 female American black bears Buddy & Tootsie
2 female java macaques ( monkeys ) Mary and Martha
1 male and 1 female fennec fox Arbie & Leiba
2 female tortoise Torry & Tess
1 male & 1 female Patagonian cavies Crockette & Bess
1 male & 1 female miniature Sicilian burros Joseph & Abby
a herd of African pygmy goats
a herd of rocky mountain elk
a herd of north American whitetail deer
a herd of European fallow deer
1 male & 1 female ostrich Huey & Talula
1 male miniature horse Floyd Henry
a colony of prairie dogs
1 male emu Ozzie


Crockette.

Go to the zoo!

Tomorrow.

Red,

(I know where you live.)

I feel it flowing through my veins. I am so ready for this.

Punkers and big pants kids.

Thank you for opening my eyes.

Nothing.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. Eliot, T.S. 1917
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair?
[They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!"]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin
[They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!"]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

Leaving on a jet plane..

"This is my heart! It's broken!"

Frisbee and ice cream.

Looked like Alex.

Another happy anniversary.

"That's just because he's saving himself for me."

Don't know when I'll be back again...

Cake!

Red....pinkos and francophiles.

..head.

(Running with hands in pockets.)

Duckbilledplatyflower.

Mr. Hayes: (Imitating a "painted woman" picking up a farmboy) Hey big fella!

Today I had to go down to guidance (not that I'm not there ten billion times a day anyhow) to have a stupid conference with stupid Mr. Loatman and my stupid mom and I had to miss stupid lab class to do this stupid. (Ever notice how words lose their meaning after a while?) It was really frusturating for some reason. It's like... they hold me to every idea I put out. I mentioned maybe going to vet school and all of a sudden that is my entire future, and Mr. Loatman has to talk about every single person he's ever known of who went on to be a vet and all the courses they had to take and all the things they had to do (and by the way, my schedule is FULL for next year so there's not much more I can squeeze in anyhow, is there?). Plus, my mom insists on injecting things about her own life, like how cool her physics teacher was and about all the stuff they do at her job, and all this other stuff that I've heard a kazillion times..So I sat there for 40 minutes with these two adults paying no attention to anything I really had to say, and they were both talking about the most asinine things or making weird attempts at being social or just being utterly dense. Now, I know neither of them are terrible people, but oh my goodness, it was like torture being in there with them. And all I wanted to do was go back to lab...

I'm sure I don't appreciate anything as much as I should. At least I don't hate...

I went to see Mr. Hansen about doing the announcements, and he said I should come back tomorrow and give it a try.

Isn't this all a little sudden?

Oh, and humerous, childish moment du jour: In French we had to come up with adjectives to describe some parts of the body (tÍte, yeux, corps, oreilles, et bouche) and someone asked Vanessa what she put for tÍte and her very audible response was, "I said it's big and hard," followed by a great outburst of laughter from everyone in the class, including Mme. (although she tried to hide it..).

Kash Lash Mash.

Save me.

Think I was sending out low voltage electricity..

"I don't care about your stupid death dream!"

The flowers bloom like madness...

I'm trying to define everything. It's all too much.

Lets elope.

"Although the Railroads faced many early problems such as poor braking systems and opposition by canal builder, they were eventually overcome and the railroads began to dominate."

"Many writers did not believe that everything was all goodness. Among these writers that felt this way were Edgar Allen Poe author of The Raven and The Telltale Heart. "

"A group of historians emerged from this time period were George Bancroft who is known as the 'father of modern history."

Seriously, folks, how am I supposed to study if I'm hung up on how bad this grammar is? Not that I can really blame them.. It probably took them half as long to write this as it took me to write mine...

"The Germans tried to preserve their culture when they got here by settling in close-knit communities and drinking a lot of beer."

Hahahahahahaha.. Sometimes I just have to wonder if all this work is really paying off.

Will I survive this coming week?

I don't know, it's a mysyery.

What I do know, though, is that I refuse to edit this stupid paper anymore. Good night.

You think you know my problems, I think that you don't know me at all.

Who would have thought that someone could possibly be that bipolar??

But anyhow..

kglinert (9:07:26 PM): like...i'm not even sure of the main character's last name
kglinert (9:07:31 PM): since it's told in first person
kglinert (9:07:41 PM): and no one ever says "hello mr. blah"
kglinert (9:07:45 PM): it's always just "hi howard"
skye yes 681 (9:07:48 PM): it's all good...
kglinert (9:07:57 PM): i said his name was newman :)
skye yes 681 (9:08:06 PM): haha why?
kglinert (9:08:22 PM): because that's what the back of the book said...even though at one point, someone called him lester
skye yes 681 (9:08:46 PM): ohhh..hahaha
skye yes 681 (9:08:50 PM): cool beans :)
kglinert (9:09:01 PM): doesn't howard lester sound bad though?
skye yes 681 (9:09:24 PM): it's better than mal lester
kglinert (9:09:33 PM): ahahaha or moe lester
skye yes 681 (9:09:41 PM): hehehe

I looked up and saw a giant face in the window looking at me.

"That was fun."

Redhead.

"Do you live on Detroit?"

"What's it about?" "Rabbits." "Do they talk and stuff?" "Yes." "There's no people?" "No, it's about rabbits."

Wenn die Lieb' aus deinen blauen,
hellen, offnen Augen sieht,
und vor Lust hinein zu schauen
mir's im Herzen klopft und gl¸ht;

und ich halte dich und k¸fle
deine Rosenwangen warm,
liebes M‰dchen, und ich schliefle
zitternd dich in meinem Arm,

M‰dchen, M‰dchen, und ich dr¸cke
dich an meinen Busen fest,
der im letzten Augenblicke
sterbend nur dich von sich l‰flt;

den berauschten Blick umschattet
eine d¸stre Wolke mir,
und ich sitze dann ermattet,
aber selig neben dir.

"Well there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do ya
but remember when I moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah..."

Dream: Smearing cake (though I think we called it "soda") on Eitan Glinert's face..Hrm.

I am going to Hell.

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Dream: I am in my room. I am given a dead body (I seem to recall that at some points it actually was my own body, and at other times it was some one else..). It is small and childlike. The person giving it to me wants me to examine it. It is propped up on a doll stand, and the person tells me to observe that all the joints are stiff, and perfectly straight. "There are no bends," they say. I am alone with the body, and turn my back to it. I smell something like raw meat, and turn around to see that the body is leaning forward on its stand and brains are spilling out of its orifices. I decide that I must dispose of it. I start trying to put pieces into a canvas bag, and scooping the brains that smell like meat off of the carpet, but the bag soon becomes overly full. I put the canvas bag in a plastic garbage bag and continue cleaning. I have to break the body to make it all fit. I leave my house unnoticed and put the body in the dumpster.

I realized yesterday that me ears are still pierced after all these months..

Standardized testing and blah blah blah.

Consumerism.

Wow, I don't feel like writing now.

I kept waiting.. checking to see if something good would come and remind me that this will not consume me. Sometimes I just need to see the bigger picture. I draw out little calendars so I can see what lies ahead. (Here a test, there a test, everywhere a test test.) And that something good didn't come.

I'm alright if you're alright.

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

Nothing gold can stay.

Admiration.

I won't put a number on myself any more. No.

I love storms.