friskin

So this is what it feels like. Half the time was spent, and half of it was spent talking about politics. It's sort of funny where your mind takes you, "I can't wait to tell soandso suchandsuch," and, "I wonder if this is what it feels like," and, "Batti batti o bel Masetto." Funny the things you'll forget, like to use shampoo in the morning, or to stop by the office, or that sometimes it's so much easier to make messes and not clean them up. The way you both hate everything makes you that much more perfect for eachother. Quasielectric glances between quasilovers. He gives her marks so they all know. Marks on papers he didn't read, marks on news he didn't hear. Waiting to see if he will show his name, she grows weary, eyes drooping, head dropping, elbow supporting what is left of her heavy, supersaturated brain. She lets all the tasks she's left undone flow one by one through her, each tensing and twisting each muscle in her body.

Today I had his song stuck in my head. Would you be mine? Could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor? Tonight I learned that cancer of the stomach has taken his life. My dad told me. The last thing he said after giving me the facts was, "He took care of a lot of children." *Cries*

Andrew is home until Sunday. The world seems to have ceased to exist, and all I want is to cuddle and talk and laugh and kiss and sleep forever.

eyes passing over like water
the bodies gathered in the corner
knowing this book from cover to cover
his hands and the chalk are
harder to follow
soon we will be there and also
nowhere if n o w h e r e is how
we desire
ea ch oth er

Ahh the many faces of Walter Matthau... But wait! Who is that lurking in the top right corner??? It's..



SADDAM!

Speaking of which, good ol' Danny Rather is interviewing everyone's favorite Iraqui dictator at 9:00 pm tonight. I'm off to pop me some corn!

Don't think twice, it's alright.

(side A: Woody Herman, side B: Ravi Shankar). I hope.

Imagining is.

The day was huge, and tomorrow is huger.

I wonder I wonder I wonder.

REpulsive.

2 days.

Recieved a letter today inviting me to the Cambrigde College Programme for the low low price of five thousand something dollars. I WANNA GOOOOOOOOOO!

How freakin sweet would that be? Oh my god. It's from July 17 through August 6, in England, and it's learning about interesting stuff, and sounds like it's right up my alley. But! I can tell you right now I'm pretty much guarenteed not to go because:
1. It's five thousand something dollars.
2. I'm a complete jerk to my parents most of the time.. That's not to say that they don't provoke me, but I'm talking about from their perspective here.
3. My mother is (and probably always will be) paranoid about:
a. a bomb hitting me.
b. me being captured by terrorists.
c. my plane crashing.
d. me getting lost.
e. mad cow disease.
f. rabid elephant seal attacks.
g."biscuits."
h. untied shoelaces.
i. elbows on the table.
j. boys.

Who loves Mr. Mazer? I do! He is amazering. I was telling him a couple weeks ago about my plans to do Dylan's Blowin' in the Wind. He asked if I had heard the Peter Paul and Mary version and I said, no I didn't think so. Today, he asked if he could see me for a minute after class, and presented me with a compilation had burned for me. Isn't that the nicest thing ever??? Wow, I feel so special! I gave him a hug. *Grin.*

Aaaand now my mom's on the rampage. She waited for a half hour at school for me, but I got a ride home from Rachel.

Juggling... is hard. For me, anyhow. I have "the exchange" down pretty well, but oh my goodness as soon as I try "the double exchange"...Well, lets just say I'm glad I'm not an orange.

She's indecisive and moody. I like watching her eyes. When she's about to pounce, her pupils grow very large.

Never underestimate the comforting power of taking things apart piece by piece to figure out how they work while listening to an old Woody Herman record. With a neat little set of tools (file, nail clippers, scissors, a pocket knife, and a tiny screwdriver) I essentially ripped apart another camera. Not ripped apart.. The pieces are all nearly lined up on my desk, waiting for me to put them back together again. I was actually trying to figure out why the flash doesn't work (I bought the thing a couple months ago for $3.00 at the Salvation Army because it's hot pink) but I think I'm going to do something fun with the lens and see what happens.

What do you mean I need to get a life??

Dear,
Well, here we are. I love that I am so easy to forget and I love excuses and I love your busy life filled with joy and excitement. And by love I mean I want to die. But really, I'm glad that you have found happiness and I don't have to worry that I'm cramping your style. I've decided to move across some huge body of water. The expanse will be a bit more comforting than knowing you're just around the corner. Maybe I'll send a postcard, so you had better get your hopes up. Way way up. I'm glad that you're reading this and wondering if it's addressed to you. Having just been disappointed fifty different ways, I think I'm a little bit justified in being upset at everyone I've ever known. Wouldn't you agree? Disappointment is funny like that. I can't realize that I should just give up until it's too late. So whether you deserve it or not, I will secretly detest you for as long as I see fit, and you'll never know it.
Love,
Becky.

I hate people >:(

He's a wonderful critter and he makes me smile a lot a whole lot a whole whole whole lot a whole lot a lot a lot. Oooooh Ooooooh Ooooooooh Ooooooooohhh. 6 days.

Today I was a hermit. Here is what has happened in the last 36 hours: just remembered like two seconds ago....no, untuck your pants....I shouldn't treat him with such contempt...I like purple....little candle on the table....shut up....mike twin?....big booty big booty big booty uh huh uh huh big booty....I win! I am the smartest....hi anne...annie...nicole....mike twin?....this cake is exquisite...mike twin??....I'm dreaming....don't hold hands....if you eat all my pizza while I'm at work I'll kill you...so wasteful...we danced here...I don't want to wear a shirt that smells like someone else today...how does one respond to that?....I lie to make myself happy....

Dream: At NYSSMA I have to sing An Chloe, which I haven't practiced in months. In an attempt to help me Miss Thomas and two other teachers go in the room with me and sing along, completely ruining the song. Afterwards, my judge holds me and cries with me.

I am cleaning a bathroom, and while looking under the sink I realize that the labels on the bottles of chemicals don't make sense. (Lucidity! Woo!)(It doesn't last long.)

I am in Spain. My dad brings me up on a hill where we look down and watch a huge horse race in the field below. It is like a stampede. A preacher comes to me and tells me I have to thank someone in my life.

Dream: We are showing a movie in some Amish-ish town. It is based on a book by Claire Pitts that apparently won some sort of literary prize. In the theater, Nick says, "I spent 20 minutes in the shower coming up with an idea for a book that will win that prize." I say, "Did you?" He says, "Yes." For some reason I have to change my clothes. When I take off my shoe a bunch of dirt falls out. Mr. Button gives me a shoe insert thing that's supposed to make it better. Nick, who by this point has turned into Ben, tells me I'm pretty and asks me to be his Valentine. I decline, and he begs. I firmly tell him no.

Claire makes the announcement that after the movie she will be taking everyone's picture, so they're going to be there a while. I explain to a little girl that she is just kidding. The movie begins. Shortly, there is an intermission. We leave the theater and a girl invites us to her house to play. The walk to her house is interesting.. I see a girl playing with a tiny baby polar bear....We go upstairs into an attic type thing (which turns out to be their living room) Along the walls there is a strip of carpeted flooring that one must crawl along, because the ceiling is very low. On one side of the room there is a small opening that leads to a bathroom. I can not fit through it. A bunch of girls (Care and Em House were among them, I believe) come up with us and demonstrate to me how easy it is. On the other side of the room there is another passage that I assume leads to a bedroom. In the middle of the room the floor is a pool table on one side and a coffin on the other (laid end to end, not side by side). I do not know this so I go on to the coffin in an attempt to get to the other side, and it begins to fall through. I reach safety, though, and then have the task of putting it back where it was. It is like a puzzle.

Commercial for Ionic Breeze air purifying system: Fresh air can be the difference between living comfortably... [shot or little girl sleeping peacefully in her bed with Ionic Breeze near by] and being miserable [shot of little girl sneezing]!

Jesus. Five easy payments of $69.99.

Oh yeah, I know exactly how you feel. Sort of.

Anyhow, today was good. Hangin' at the Union with Yenee and Raju and Russell. A nice group dynamic going on, in my opinion. I also might be delusional, but oh well. We tried talking about Students for Peace stuff, and failed for the most part. It was fun.

I have decided that it is absolutely necessary for two certain people who shall remain nameless to fall in love. NOW!

Tee hee.

Andrew comes home soon. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Oh boy!

It's snowing like the days that kept us apart. It is a reminder that tells me this isn't over yet. So, I obtained for myself some warm clothes and chowed down on Indian food and now I'm off to sleep on the couch.

Well, I've successfully slept half the day away. I had dreams of food and kissing strangers and YAG.

Now I have the urge to get out and do something. Something will probably end up spending my money at the mall or slavation army, but oh well. Sometimes that happens. It's sort of like the urges I get to create, except I want to waste instead. Does that make sense? No, I suppose not. I just woke up.

Tonight: Crossroads cafe to see Rachel Stroll's band. It was different from what I expected, but nice. A good experience, at least. I got to hang out with lovely people like Beek and Molly, and play Mexican dominoes, and eat pizza. There was one guy I had a problem with cause he didn't like American Beauty and he had bad facial hair and liked guns and criticized everyone (and wow, I should stop writing run on sentences so much). Other than that and the fact that hardly anyone else showed up, though, it was spectacular.

I should learn more about this whole emo-punk thing so I can be in with the "out" crowd, so to say (as opposed to in with no crowd at all). Ya know, subculture and all that jazz.

Just watched Revenge of the Nerds... I CRIED at the end. What the hell is wrong with me?

Ugh.. my head is pounding. I guess an exciting evening of chocolate, coffee, and Emma girls will do that to ya.

Today was special. I got 6, yes count 'em, 6 Valentines! I also gave some makeshift ones to some very special people, which gave me a great deal of pleasure. My favorites:

I wrote "Be mine Smitty! Love, Becky" on a napkin and had Brad put it in Mr. Smith's homework hand-in box. Apparently everyone's favorite grumpy old man saw it and blushed and smirked and said nothing about it. Ha!

Keren and I gave out some from "Kecky Beren," our made up little sister, in response to Brad's little brother "Steven's" Valentines.

I popped in to Mazer's class after 6th and asked him to be my Valentine and he said "Oh, yes! Of course I will!" He loves me.

After school was a short rehersal (sitting in the "fat corner", eating cake and candy), followed by a ride home from Kevin Town. It was... an experience.

Then I hung out with Garfield for a bit and then I headed over to Emma Willard where I drank mochacappasomethingorothers and watched various talented young ladies show off their various talents, and hung out with various wonderful people. It was the second possible best way I can think of to spend the evening.

I am so in love.

Before the concert yesterday I was feeling quite..um.. dejected due to a terrible dress rehersal. At rock school Cassels tried to cheer me up.

"Don't worry about it. Your'e better than most of those guys anyway. They all suck."

Gee, thanks.

But seriously, I appreciate the attempt, and although it was ineffective at the time, now I think it's funny. I messed up the exact chord I was afraid I was going to mess up, but my beautiful friends cheered so loudly that you'd think they didn't even care that I did.

He he. Friendly's was fun times, as was Keren's car with about ten people piled into it. I came home and decided that I could not possibly do homework and that I would take today off. I sould be in English right now.

Speaking of English, I have to go write a book report. *Runs away.*

I'm kind of disappointed that people aren't coming to the concert tomorrow. Ah well. I know at least two people I want to impress will be there, so that should be enough pressure..

skye yes 681 (7:26:36 PM): that's a mighty slutty font you have there
yenees ucks (7:27:26 PM): no, it is as innocent as easter chicks
skye yes 681 (7:28:21 PM): nope!
yenees ucks (7:28:39 PM): F@*$#(@%$#)^*%$#) YOU~
yenees ucks (7:28:42 PM): : )
skye yes 681 (7:28:59 PM): see? see? what did I tell you? only a slut talks like that!
yenees ucks (7:29:08 PM): $&%%*$#&$*TU@T*$W)T&^%)YT)$*TUYW
yenees ucks (7:29:16 PM): that means i love butterflies
skye yes 681 (7:29:48 PM): nuh uh, it means i love having men pay me for sexual favors!
yenees ucks (7:30:00 PM): ah ha!
yenees ucks (7:30:04 PM): i've got you now!
skye yes 681 (7:30:12 PM): huh?
skye yes 681 (7:30:18 PM): you're the one who said it, not me
yenees ucks (7:30:36 PM): it was a psycological test...only someone with the mind of a prostitute would interpret that in such a way
skye yes 681 (7:30:49 PM): >:O !!!
yenees ucks (7:31:11 PM): caught you
skye yes 681 (7:31:18 PM): sigh.

skye yes 681 (7:25:01 PM): :-D
yenees ucks (7:25:15 PM): that's such a slutty face

There's a certain kind of shyness that's just... impossible to break through. Not impossible, extremely difficult. Because it reminds me of my own barriers. And these are the people I need to reach, for my own benefit and for the benefit of the rest of the universe.

You remind me of myself, and that is terrifying.

Students for Peace: new THS organization, founded 2/11/03. Population: 8. Kudos to the Russell and Raju for taking some initiative to get the party started, so to say. I have beef with myself, though, for not speaking up. Meeting #1 consisted of lots of back and forth arguing, lots of bashing governments (both foreign and our own), lots of discussing the who and what.

Boy 1: Blah blah blah Bush!
Boy 2: Blah blah blah nuclear war!
Ideal Becky: Alright guys, it's obvious that there are quite a few opinions and feelings around this sensitive subject, but the real question no one's asking is, "What we can do as students to make our voices heard and to help our cause?"

So after about an hour of wanting to say something along those lines the meeting dispersed, and I was left with the bitter residue of knowing that I could have added some very intelligent ideas to the conversation. I mentioned it to Rowan, and he agreed that there should be a stronger leader with more focus (like himself!). I agree.

I'm pleased, though. I wont let those guys intimidate me next time... *Smacks self on forehead.* I want respect damnit!

So then I went to rehersal where my actions consisted of slacking off, comparing foot odor (mine's definitely the worst!), and singing one note. Literally.

Gosh darn you, Fox Network!!!!! If you're going to hook me and force me to watch terrible programming, at least keep your promises! I just watched Joe Millionaire under the impression that I would find out which of those stupid ladies that retarded hunka hunka man chose, and... and... and now I have to watch it next week to find out! Ooooh I am so mad. All those people are so dumb and fake... Grrr!

*Curses loudly and profusely.*

Don't write a letter when you want to leave,
don't call me at 3 a.m. from a friend's apartment.
I'd like to choose how I hear the news:
Take me to a park that's covered with trees,
tell me on a Sunday please.

Let me down easy, no big song and dance,
no long faces, no long looks, no deep conversation.
I know the way we should spend that day:
Take me to a zoo that's got chimpanzees,
tell me on a Sunday please.

Don't want to know who's to blame, it won't help knowing.
Don't want to fight day and night, it's bad enough you're going.

Don't leave in silence with no word at all,
don't get drunk and slam the door, that's no way to end this.
I know how I want you to say goodbye:
Find a circus ring with a flying trapeze,
tell me on a Sunday please.


*Sniffle*

I read their words and I know what I want to be..
I want to be insightful and witty.
I want to be eloquent.
I want to be charming and mysterious.
I want to be able to see the bigger picture.
I want to be pious.
I want to be able to not need proof.
I want to be able to construct coherent ideas.
I want to be so filled with angst it's unbelieveable?

Fuck that... I'm okay.

All the people in GT are doing depressing songs.. I spent the whole class on the verge of tears.

It's like... mourning something that's still alive. (I don't understand either.)

On a lighter note, Brad Walker is the funniest mofo in the world!

Sleep will feel lovely tonight.

My stapler is broken. *Cries*

Have spent the past 5 hours doing homework (minus eating, bathing, and creativity breaks)... Still about an hour to go, but that can wait..

Dream: I'm in a body of water, rescuing a beast (a big black dogish bearish thing) (I think it had just been fighting in the water with another creature). I have it on me, piggy-back style, and I am urging it to breathe. I dont know why I'm trying to save it.. Two of the people who had been standing around watching come into the water with me..

Maybe at the workshop (?) there is some puritanical force that is going around killing "bad" people. No one knows how to defend themselves, or how it even decides what is bad. (I just remembered that I had a dream with a theme like this a few months ago..)... Nighttime comes, I am lying on the floor, hoping that if I do die it will be while I'm asleep so I won't be afraid. A woman near me holds my hand and prays with me (some mixed up version of the Lord's Prayer, I think). Someone informs me that praying is against the rules.. When I get up it is light. On all the walls some one has drawn in bright colors with chalk. I don't know whether this is a way someone is protecting us, or it means danger is coming (I'm inclined to believe the latter now, for some reason).

Becky and Dave's big evening on the town.

Lee Tang, dinner conversation, stop drop and roll, library fun, highschool romances.

EOP, Kimby, the timpani player, the man with the flower behind his ear, sexual tension in Hell, mass confusion.

Cold walking, slipping, falling. (If he was a real gentleman, he would have helped me up rather than stood there laughing!)

Friendly's, I love ice cream and Megan Muthersbaugh!

My mother is a part of this woman's group... P.E.O. What they do (and what the initials stand for, for that matter) is a mystery to me. I just remember when I was little they'd come over and have meetings sometimes and Rachael and I would have to stay downstairs and watch television and not get in the way. They were here again this morning. Everything came rushing back to me when I heard their squawky, chattering voices and smelled the intense perfumes that blended together and wafted into my bedroom. They all spoke at once for a long time.. I caught bits of conversation. Someone was talking about bananas going extinct in the next ten years. I didn't dare leave my bedroom, even though I was starving and wanted very badly to take a shower. They commenced their meeting with a song and a chant, promising to uphold the virtues of love, education, sisterhood, etc. I must have been so terrified as a little girl of all these old women (the majority of them are over 65, and I'm sure that used to be the case as well) invading my home, all speaking extra loud just to be heard above everyone else's talking and hearing deficiency. I also have a vague recollection of being humiliated by them (or one of them) at some point, which is probably why I hid from them for so long..

I can see how this memory feeds my inhibitions nowadays.

Dream: Something about a boat..Then, the street in front of my house becomes a sort of "river" and a blanket (I think..) becomes a sort of boat. Tarra is pulling it with a rope. We get to the end of the street, and I ask her if she wants to take a rest, and let someone else pull. I notice the rope is a snake and decide that I dont want to. At first the snake is big and black, and then it becomes a long green garden snake. The new puller of the boat (a little boy, I think) somehow mishandles it and the creature bites him, maybe fatally..

Of all the colleges I've read about, Bard still stands out as the place that I should end up. I've read through the courses they offer, and I seriously want to take every single one. Jesus.. I don't know how I feel about this. I don't want to give up the search for schools, but I can't imagine finding one that feels so right. It's probably because I'm scared to make a decision.

Just like always.

[I am the queen of brackets]

Ripped jeans day: They have holes in inappropriate places.
Games club day: Loads of fun...I watched people play Risk for two hours, was voted treasurer, and had my authority trampled upon when I tried to get them to give me money.
Cultural sharing day: I like dancing and food and Keshia.
Report card day: 93.54. Went down three points. *Shakes fist angrily.*

Dear,
Hey. Your probably don't know me. I think we used to have lab or something together. I see you around. I like your coat and glasses, and I like that you don't give a fuck.

I saw you catching up to me (?) on the way in the door today, but I'm sure you were catching up to someone else.

I saw you holding hands with a girl last spring. She never mentions you in her journal.

You admire him as much as I do. You lend him books and discuss thisandthat. I hope you were impressed to know how well I did.

You saw me today acting like a spaz. You laughed and reminded me of a wolf. I saw you by the window, deep in conversation with a girl who will never mention you in her journal.

Or maybe she will. What the hell do I know anyway?

rubyKNiGHT24 (10:57:40 PM): dg
rubyKNiGHT24 (10:57:46 PM): Is the meaning of life
skye yes 681 (10:58:52 PM): oh.
rubyKNiGHT24 (10:59:12 PM): Good night
ìrubyKNiGHT24î signed off at 10:59:16 PM.

What the crack?

I hate short bread. I just spent two hours making "empire biscuits" for cultural sharing tomorrow evening. It was the choice between that and borsht.. I had a chance to hang out with Rachael and her new best friend, Sarie Bott. They tried some and said, "Well, it's cultural alright.." Why can't I be Italian or Spanish or Indian?? That's what I'd like to know... I smell like butter.

Yeeeah, I nearly burned down THS today. Here's how: In French we were cooking crepes (a yearly tradition for Mrs. Greenberg's classes) and so I'm standing there at the stove, knife in hand, scraping the edges of my tasty delight. Suddenly, I notice a napkin falling in slow motion into the flames (I was using a gas stove). It's all very surreal... I pick it out of the burner and drop it on the counter, which happens to be wood. The fire is growing, and I am trying to figure out what to do. I poke it with the knife for a few seconds, while saying, "Woah!" and "Hey, someone help me." Everyone stands and looks at me. I'm trapped inside myself, watching the burning napking and counter top. Finally, Leigh comes over and saves the day by hitting it with a paper plate.

I'm feeling quite embarassed about the whole incident.

qlawdat (11:03:02 PM): it comes down to the fact that once you tell someone somthing you can never untell them and I dont want to tell anyone this .. yet
skye yes 681 (11:03:23 PM): you're pregnant?
qlawdat (11:03:45 PM): you guessed it

Hrm... an entry from yesterday refuses to exist. Oh well. I think it was just me complaining about bad grades and stuff.

Today's paper tells me that Samantha VanWert helped murder a taxi driver. I went to elementary school with her. I went to her birthday party. Disturbing? A little bit..

0 Shut your mouth!...8:36:00 PM